Resetting Expectations in an Avalanche 

How clear expectations, and the willingness to talk about resetting them, helps build trust in teams.

A note on where this comes from: I’m not an HR consultant. I work in organizational design and development, studying and putting in place human systems to get the most out of the complex relationships that make up a business. Expectations, and how we reset them, are one of the load-bearing walls in that system. Here’s what I mean.

When my kids were in middle school, I introduced them to the concept of taking “a mental health day”.

It was tricky because it relied mostly on their ability to make their own assessment of “need.” It relied on how well they’d balanced the commitments they’d made to themselves, to their classmates, to their teachers, and possibly the commitments they’d made to me. I laid out what it meant to use this resource. One of the core beliefs I was challenging was the school systems’ thought that perfect attendance is right and good. What mattered to me was whether they could meet the expectations of their teachers’, mine, their own, and learn valuable lessons in school AND take a day to themselves to build strength.

They instantly asked the obvious questions. “How many mental health days can I take?” and “How bad do I have to feel to take one?” Which of course, deepened the conversation about what “need” was and what commitments they had in the world.

The agreement of what this resource was, and how to use it well, evolved over time. I was showing them that I had trust in their discernment of their “need” for it. It was my job to help them notice when they were using it inappropriately. It was their job to show themselves, and me, that they were being thoughtful about it each time. Sometimes I had to ask the harder questions, “Is there something happening today at school you don’t want to be part of?” “Are you trying to avoid a hard conversation you need to have with someone?” “ Is there something you’re struggling with that you need some help to work through?”

I’m not comparing my kids and my parenting relationship to the employer/employee relationship…

Alright. I guess I am.

Clear Expectations for Results

Here’s what both situations boil down to: clear expectations for results.

When you’re employed you step into that arrangement with some expectation of what the work is and what you’ll get paid to do it. There’s usually some expectation of sick time built in, too. And as we get better at building self-awareness, we periodically recognize the need for employees to take care of ourselves above the promise of results.

But when something happens, a breakdown in someone’s ability to take care of themselves in the short term and still deliver what they said they would, that’s the moment more clarity, or a genuine shift in expectations, needs to happen.

There’s a saying that goes something like “When you really need a friend, it’s probably too late to make one.” 

The same principle is true here. When an employee needs to lean on resources and trust in the employment relationship, it’s generally too late to start having a “change expectations” conversation. The conversation generally needs to have happened earlier. 

What do you do when a project lead desperately needs more time away to recover from his father’s death and there’s a proposal due tomorrow? Is this the time to be resetting expectations? With so many questions to answer, this isn’t the time to discuss exactly when he will be back, if he needs different responsibilities for some time, or if there are others that need to fill in more long-term. These are all essential questions that need addressing.

It’s Hard. For Everyone.

These conversations aren’t fun to have, there’s real tension in them because as an employer you still need to pay the bills, make money, and keep the machine running if you want a successful business. How long can you afford to support the needs of the employee? That depends, right?

A business is a human system!  A bike being ridden. A plane being flown. Every part of your business needs to be working together to keep things going. 

So yes, ideally, you have these conversations when you enter the employment relationship, before anything is at stake. But we all know ideal rarely happens in a human system. We’re humans!! So what do you do when you are way past the ideal time to have the conversation? Well, you have it anyway and work to reset expectations.

A Framework for the Reset

1. Create a safe space for the conversation to take place. Choose a time and place where the employee doesn’t feel ambushed, watched, or rushed. Go in open and listening. Lead with genuine curiosity about what would work for both them and the business.
2. Co-create the new expectations. Say plainly that you want to find a set of expectations that serves the business and takes care of them as a person.
3. Ask what timeline feels reasonable to them, and talk honestly about what happens if it doesn’t hold. Don’t impose a deadline; invite one. Then develop together what happens (for the role, the team, the business) if the employee cannot meet the new expectations. Clarity here is a form of respect, not a threat. (reduced pay, unpaid time off…)
4. Check in regularly (choose together the right cadence – daily, weekly). The purpose is to find out what they need and for you to communicate what the business needs.  Not a status update on their recovery, a genuine offer of information they’re missing, updates from the team so nothing feels like a surprise later, or just an open door if something’s come up and expectations change for them. Small and consistent is easier than infrequent and heavy.

The goal is to get them and the business through the situation and reverting back to the original agreement and set of responsibilities.

No Silver Bullet. Just Timing.

Hard conversations are never fun, but having them is part of what it means to be human in relationship with the people around you.

So make the friend before you need one. Build the trust. Set expectations, with yourself, and with everyone who depends on you, for when you’ll need to shift and take care of yourself or them beyond the everyday.

There’s no silver bullet here. Just the discipline of having these conversations before you need to.

OK. Your Turn

I’d genuinely like to know: where in your business is this playing out right now?

Maybe you’re the employer who can feel a reset coming and keeps finding reasons to delay it. Maybe you’re the employee running low on the resources nobody officially tracks. Maybe you’re both, some days, in the same hour.

Tell me about the trust you have, or wish you had, before you needed it. I’d genuinely like to hear it.